The Purloined Pig Caper

by Norman Cukras

When they won FBA’s National Championship at Sebring’s 12 Hours of BBQ the Sorry Boys - Dr. J. W. "Chip" Faul and Gary Leyman - were awarded the tournament’s annual Grand Champion’s trophy: a rather unique pig caricature that is carved out of a solid log of Cypress and weighing about 150 pounds or so.

When the champions returned home they temporarily stored the award in Chip’s garage until a suitable and appropriate setting could be found for the hog hunk. Well, the following Tuesday tragedy struck, some perverted pranksters had purloined their premium pig prize.

Upon closer investigation however, Faul, the distressed dentist, found a note lying where the trophy had once so proudly stood. Zounds! The porker hadn’t been stolen after all, it had been pignapped and was being held for ransom.

“We have the pigg!" the note cautioned. "do not call police or you will never see it again!" More instructions were to follow.

"On Wednesday evening the doorbell rang," Chip related. "When I got there I found an envelope containing a picture of the pig. It was bound, gagged and wrapped in rope." There was no doubt that the poor thing was in peril. This new note said the scoundrels were "serius". For the return of the pigg the dastardly demons demanded a bottle of the Sorry Boy’s Award Winning barbecue sauce and an IOU for a pound of competition pork to be delivered after their next competition. If the doctor agreed to the demands he was to tape a red bandanna to the north side of his mailbox, if not "the pigg is firewood." He agreed.

The waiting game then began. Finally, on the following Monday when he returned home around 6 p.m., Chip found a note taped to his garage door. It contained delivery instructions. At exactly 8 p.m. the items were to be placed on a stump at the end of the street marked on an enclosed map. "No Cops!" He was emphatically warned.

The distraught trophy winner followed the instructions to the letter. What else could he do? Within an hour after he returned home the phone rang. The evildoers were satisfied with the results. The pig would be returned.

The next day Chip took the pig to his dental offices where it will now repose under the strictest of security measures. While the kidnappers have never been identified, there are some strong suspicions about the involvement of a next-door neighbor who has been seen with sauce stains on his favorite around-the-house work shirt. Yet remaining is the mystery of how the trophy takers are going to redeem that IOU.